Healing Doesn’t Take Away the Hurt

Life Gets Better

Healing

Here’s a little secret about healing, it doesn’t take away the hurt. I just heard you say, “WHAT the WORLD?!?!?” You saw what I wrote, “healing doesn’t take away the hurt.” Now, let me explain myself before you de-blog me.

I believe sometimes we are afraid to heal because we’re afraid that the healing might appear to others (or even ourselves) that we didn’t hurt, or love or truly lament the loss we experienced. Sometimes, I believe that we are reluctant to move forward because it might appear that whatever we’ve come out of (death, divorce, job loss, etc.) was warranted, wasn’t real, wasn’t a devastating blow or was what we desired.

Regarding the death of my marriage, I would often hear “Wow! You are doing really well”, or “You don’t even look like most people who’ve gone through a divorce”. This was from people who had no idea of what I had already…

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Healing Doesn’t Take Away the Hurt (Remix)

Healing

Here’s a little secret about healing, it doesn’t take away the hurt. I just heard you say, “WHAT the WORLD?!?!?” You saw what I wrote, “healing doesn’t take away the hurt.” Now, let me explain myself before you de-blog me.

I believe sometimes we are afraid to heal because we’re afraid that the healing might appear to others (or even ourselves) that we didn’t hurt, or love or truly lament the loss we experienced. Sometimes, I believe that we are reluctant to move forward because it might appear that whatever we’ve come out of (death, divorce, job loss, etc.) was warranted, wasn’t real, wasn’t a devastating blow or was what we desired.

Regarding the death of my marriage, I would often hear “Wow! You are doing really well”, or “You don’t even look like most people who’ve gone through a divorce”. This was from people who had no idea of what I had already endured, or was enduring as a result of the divorce. Most were sincere, and I shall leave it at that. I would often smile, give God the glory and share what I chose to of my secrets to the extra-long path toward my personal healing, but then internally ask if the person really understood the level of pain that devastating blow dealt me. As if I, in some way knew the divorce was coming, from some I would hear, “I didn’t even know y’all were having problems”.  I wanted to say, “All marriages have problems, but from me you would never have heard of mine. And NO, I didn’t know he was leaving!” I never wanted to be Angry Angela or Messy Michele about anything in my life so I fought hard to defeat feisty responses I wanted to offer. I’ve learned to focus on, see and seek God in all things. Nothing should have been different with my divorce, and that was part of my initial prayers to God as that unbelievable journey began. Even as I was  fighting to get up (literally) and rebuild my life on this unexpected path God allowed I didn’t want anyone questioning whether or not I loved, was hurt, or did my all simply because I relentlessly pursued healing. I simultaneously didn’t want anyone thinking that I didn’t fully trust the Lord. Still, the thoughts loomed in my mind. I also didn’t want to act out of character cutting up in public or cutting up stuff in private. That simply wasn’t me. I believe tea should be sipped, not spilled.

Tea-should-be-sipped-not

Parts of this post were originally written in May 2013. Recently, I learned that some who are in my circle, or had previously been thought just what my thoughts thought could be…that I must not have loved my ex-husband, or something of the sort. Upon hearing of this, my gut instinct to was rare up and run down my laundry list of things, reasons, if you will, as to why I believe, and know the Lord moved in me as He did, and in the “hindsight is 20/20” preparation He’d given me prior to my divorce. Instead, I’ll say this:

  1. Not everyone should be privy to one’s pain.
  2. Anyone going through pain deserves some form of privacy.
  3. Not everyone can handle one’s pain even if they were to become privy to it.
  4. One should not speak negatively or in a defaming way of others. Sometimes a person’s silence is sufficient.
  5. Those that needed to know the gory details of what was endured did. They handled it, my mess and me very discreetly and very well.
  6. Divorce doesn’t always look like a Lifetime mini-series with rage, weight-loss, inability to function, substance abuse or depression.
  7. Privacy, decorum, and respect are God’s way, and He rewards that.
  8. Lastly, just because you didn’t hear someone holler doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt.

Just-because-you-didnt

For anyone wondering how someone is doing, what someone is thinking, what someone is feeling, what help is desired, what help toward healing has been sought, or what correction or direction someone experiencing loss needs all you have to do is simply ASK them directly. Take it from me. They will be encouraged just to know you care. For anyone dealing with loss and holding on to the “what will people think” notion, may I propose that healing doesn’t take away the hurt. In no way, shape, form or fashion will your decision to trust God to make you well whither away or discount anything you might have felt or endured. Your pain is your pain and it’s nothing history, anything or anyone can do to erase what happened. What God can do is heal what happened. What you can do is not dwell on what happened and stay stuck there. Healing from your pain allows you to use what you’ve gone through and what was granted after your loss for God’s glory, your good and the world’s gain.

@AngelaMMoore316

Dirty Laundry

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Well, well, well, Kelly Rowland has finally admitted what we all have probably experienced or might even be dealing with now, the painstakingly difficult task of being 2nd to a shooting star, and all the internal madness that might come along with being sincerely happy for a person and having hurt feelings at the same time.

In her new single “Dirty Laundry” Kelly sings over a melodiously slow and sultry track about feeling a bit envious of her sister, friend and music mate Beyonce’. She also details being in an unhealthy relationship, hiding behind the mask of make-up and dark shades, being angry with the world and distancing herself from close loved ones. Whew, chile, when I read the lyrics after hearing the song I thought, “Bravo, Kelly, Bravo! If anybody’s going to tell your “beeswax” it might as well be you. And thank you for sliding some of my story in there too!”

In this day and age of transparency being used more than an elevator at the Empire State Building, it’s so refreshing to hear someone tell on herself for a change. So many of us want others to come clean about their actions, but don’t demand the same self-action. Our first focus should be on what’s in our Maytag or Whirlpool of life.

Watching the news while warming up breakfast, the word transparency was used three times in less than one minute talking about a recent political scandal, and demands from one group to another. That’s all well and good, but can we be honest about us before, during and after expecting someone to be honest with us? The spin cycle works multiple ways for a reason.

I know Ms. Kelly is not the only one to have felt “some kinda way” (as the millennial generation says) about having to watch someone she started out with end up further than her, and faster. I have interns that I trained years ago that are far, far more successful in passion and pay than I am. Don’t dare think the thought of “Wow, I am so very happy for him/her!!!!” hasn’t crossed my mind at the exact same time as, “What in the world?!?!? What did I do wrong? or Why not me?”  I know I’m not the only one that has thrown or attended baby showers, weddings, “I got a great new blah, blah, blah” celebrations and the likes of people who I love and care for with all my heart and still felt a concoction of what Frankie Beverly and Maze calls “Joy and Pain” as I dealt with my own Cover Girl covered up crises. (Truth be told, in my younger years, I even isolated myself from some that were happier than I, because I wasn’t mature enough to handle their success in the midst of whatever sorrow (or drama) I had going on. Now that’s some dirty laundry!)  Stinky feelings are human nature, people. They can happen to the best of us. What’s not okay is to stay stinkin’! We have to allow God’s guidance within us to show us those stinky feelings, clean them up appropriately, and use them to help someone else. Now get a whiff of that!

-Angela Moore

Regulators, Sit Down (please)!

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Warren G and Nate Dogg had a catchy, little tune in the 90’s called “Regulate”. Right at the top of the intro of the infectious hit Warren demands, “Regulators, Mount Up!” Well, I would like to gingerly and lovingly say, concerning other people’s thoughts regarding singles, “Regulators, Sit Down (please)”..and see a single’s view!

There are a few things about the lives of single people who others often don’t understand, leading them to try to regulate. Some people try to regulate a single person’s pocket, their dreams and their time. I truly don’t think it’s on purpose, but an automatic assumption that, if you are single, and especially if you don’t have children you should be, would be and could be able to do some things without trouble or thought.  That’s not fair, or often feasible.

  • The Single Person’s Pocket: Just because a person is single doesn’t mean they have an abundance of money to share or even survive on. Unlike persons married with two incomes, singles have one pot from which to pull, and one salary to cover the same expenses married couples have. This blog was prompted after I overheard someone say a single man making $40000 a year ought to be able to afford a house. That may or may not be true. He may have child support, student loans, be helping his parents or have other bills. The mortgage for a $130,000 house for someone with good credit could be $800-$900 per month. Take that monthly from what the $40000 man would make, add in utilities, food, gas, and above expenses and that’s simply not enough. Sorry.
  • The Single Person’s Dreams: Will you get married? Why aren’t you married? Will you get married again? Will you move? Why are you moving? Will you get two jobs? Will you get another job? Will you go back to school? Single people simply don’t know the answers to those questions any more than married people do, or did before the answers were made clear. Sorry.
  • The Single Person’s Time: Now, this one is the doozy! Yes, single people are single. Yes, single people may not have children. Yes, single people are mostly responsible just for themselves, but that doesn’t mean they have time, want to devote time or even should devote time to every event, ministry, civic group, save-the-world cause, babysitting venture, family function, organization and situation that arises. Their schedules are their schedules and subject to restrictions and limitations just like everyone else. Sorry.

Don’t get me wrong. Singles do like to give, grow in their lives and be involved in helping others. The best thing to do regarding expectations of singles is ask and try to understand before assuming.

-Angela Moore

Live Life in Syndication

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Malcolm Jamal Warner crossed my mind while driving up 65N this morning at 5am. Not because he was such a cutie as a kid playing “Theo Huxtable” on the Cosby Show in the 80s, not because I just watched one of my favorite episodes this weekend, not because I wondered if he is still dating “Brenda” from 227, but because I wondered how he’s living off of his Cosby money.

The answer to this query escapes me, and I really don’t want to take the time to Google it, but I’d like to believe that he’s faring quite well off of the Cosby Show’s amazing syndication run. In syndication since 1988, and shown as many times a day as a bad, payday loan commercial, the Cosby Show has to be one of the longest and most frequent running television shows in syndicated history. (or at least in my world:) That should mean that the cast’s payoff, whether in resources, respect or royalties for things they did years, and years ago has to be a blessing!

Malcolm-Jamal-Warner

That’s how I want to live my life…in syndication. I want the works that I did, the acts of kindness I performed, the seeds that I sowed years, and years ago to continually pay off for me LONG after I’m grown up and gone on. Not that I expect them to provide exactly as they did during the time they were rendered, and not that I ever plan on stopping in trying to do well, but wouldn’t it be nice if, even in the effort to always progress, we were continually rewarded and awarded as if our good deeds were in syndication? Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived life so well, and in such a memorable way that long after seasons ended we still could expect harvests to reap? Yes, indeed that would nice, about as nice as an actual Gordon Gartrell shirt:)

-Angela Moore

Good Mothers Come From Good Mothers (and Good Others)

As I rose this morning before 5am to get started with my day, it dawned on me. Good mothers deserve the world!  A “little” Mother’s Day Brunch that started out with about a dozen people has now morphed into more than 35. A menu that, at first, was a simple mixture of a few, inexpensive breakfast and lunch items has now transformed into so much that I’m truly concerned about where it all will fit.  Fueled by my sister’s constant chiming in of “we need more”, we’ve remixed menus, sacrificed time and money, brought in loved ones to help host and contribute so that every mother present will feel loved. Why? Because every mother deserves that, and so much more.

I think back over my 41 years of living and how everyday of my life, my mother has always been the epitome of “above and beyond”. A former teacher for more than three decades, who would buy children clothes, get involved in their personal lives to help them, even host parties at our house for them, she carried that same love and sign of sacrifice into the lives of her family even more. Late nights and early mornings, being a doctor, a counselor, a personal chef, a personal banker sharing funds too many to count, a mediator, being the best gift giver, sitting on the floor at age 66 playing games with her grandkids, bringing others in her home and under her wings to show them real love, making everyone feel special, never forgetting to send holiday cards, caring and providing for her elders, loving her husband and serving God are just a few of the things that amaze me about her.

I sometimes get angry with her when I felt like she is doing too much. The bags under her eyes from tears or tiredness, sometimes being mistreated by those she helped and cared for the most, seeing her walk with a limp, or knowing she was going without so she could give would make me want to yell, “just stop it!!!!!” I’m a 70’s baby, and by far no fool, so I never did yell anything out of my mouth, but always wondered why she did so much.

My sister and I were talking last night after spending much of the day cooking, and my phone rang just shy of 10pm. It was my almost 80 year-old Great Aunt from Montgomery calling to see what she “should bring” to the brunch. My polite answer to her was “nothing”. And in that instant, God’s answer to me about why my mother does so much was made clear. She gets it honestly!

Mama, Grandma Jean, Grandma Scott and Mama Lou

Good mothers come from good mothers, and good others. They simply can’t help it. I can see now how the “do too much” that my mother mastered was an undeniable, transfer from grandmother and my grandmother’s sisters to my mother and mother’s sisters, and from other amazing family members who were good mothers. They all specialized in Above and Beyond 401. I can see now how my mother has also strategically aligned all of her associations with other mothers who will go to the ends of the earth and back for those they love and dare anyone to question their actions or try to negatively influence their reactions. They’re good mothers and simply can’t help it!

So today, I salute mothers everywhere and pay homage to their hustle. I’m not talking hustle in the street sense, but the hustle that doesn’t let them stop until every possible prayer can be prayed, every possible solution considered, every resource used, and every hour of the day spent as it was meant, then will let them emerge as if whatever just happened didn’t have any effect on them at all. Now that’s a good mother!

-Angela Moore

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