Recently I had a heated dispute with someone I’ve known for multiple decades. To sum it up, this individual, who had totally disconnected from me well over a year ago, accused me of “never doing anything for him/her, having low self-esteem, and searching for something”. (What the what?!?!?!?!) This person even criticized the way I exercise my Christianity. (What the what, again?!?!?!?!?) I was hotter than an Arizona golf course in August. I wanted to scream, “Who do you think I am and what did you think I was supposed to do for you outside of ALL that I’ve already done over the last decades?!?!?) I was hurt trying to comprehend why, if this individual felt this way, it took over a year to express it and why he/she was not the least bit interested in allowing me to show that his/her thoughts weren’t true. Which happens sometimes, you know? (All they had to do was say what they perceived I did wrong so that we could work through it if that were to be the outcome.) I was especially mad as the dickens at the devil for continuing to use people to challenge what I know I’m sent here to do, and that’s help (in the way I am able, and am led to for those I’m supposed to help and be helped by).
After I ended the call with this person I thought back to how many other times I’ve been accused of not doing anything or enough for people. There appeared to be a recurring theme with a certain type of personality which made me question myself, and my judgment of people I allow in my life or reach out to. I reflected on being publicly humiliated by being called “not supportive” by my former spouse despite the fact I left a lucrative career to work for his church (and did COUNTLESS other things because of the love I had for him and those connected to him). Thankfully he eventually realized that wasn’t true and recanted the statement, but the damage had been done as some chose to, and wanted to continue to believe his first version of the truth. I thought about the former employee I’d developed an above and beyond mentor association with who told me “you didn’t do enough to help me find another job.” I thought about the person who emailed me to tell me that he/she had defriended me from facebook because I didn’t help him/her with a project. I’ve had people mad at me because I didn’t go to lunch with them, when those who know me know I get to work at the crack of dark (dark, not dawn) and I don’t go to lunch unless it’s a meeting because I’m usually preparing to go home when others are perusing a menu. I’ve had people completely disappear out of my life with no word, sign, smoke signal or adiós text message because later I learned through the “grapevine” that they felt I did more with/for others than them.
I’m not writing this post to rant. I’m not writing this post to throw shade at people who are human just as I am. I’m not writing it to usher in accolades from those I have helped, because as many people as I have been there for I have had so many people there for me and for those I am super grateful. I’m only writing this post to serve the devil notice that I peep his game and he is still defeated! I hate him!!!
A prophetess (one of two who have shared with me of late) said that I’m in a season of pruning. Well, that’s obvious, but I won’t be distracted during this time. I won’t try to hold on to leaves that don’t belong, but, if it’s God’s will from them to grow back I won’t be closed off to that either. I won’t become bitter. I won’t become cynical, not trusting people because of how a few perceive me. I won’t get discouraged due to those who disconnect. I won’t harp on conversations and situations (anymore) regarding those with a tainted perception of me. I won’t wonder what those with a tainted perception will say or post for others to see in an attempt to have people feel the same as they. I won’t go around trying to defend myself or prove myself when I know what I’m made of. I won’t wish ill or “pay back” on those I feel have misunderstood me. I believe in a good, old-fashioned testimony and can’t wait to see what the Lord does to and through anyone who has issues with me and me. And, as much as satan would be thrilled to see, I will NOT stop helping, and expecting help from those who say they love or care about me. In fact, this little attack assures me that my ability to do more for others, which is my sincere desire, is on the way!!!
For those who may feel as a few, in that I don’t “help” enough, do know that I’m not perfect, but my motives and intentions are pure. I’m not angry at you or anything remotely similar. I am, however, human, and not a superhero. I have my own life, life’s challenges, circumstances and situations with which to deal and, as with anyone there’s only so much one person can do or is supposed to do, and this is certainly true void of an opportunity to talk about it or talk it out. Outside of speaking, writing and encouragement, I know I have the gift of helping. What I offer, when, to whom, in what form and how often may not be what others want or desire, but I always do the best I can do. For the devil I’d like to say, “you’ve been dismissed!” For any who may choose to believe anything other than what I just said or the love and care I’ve shown do know that I still sincerely love you and will be here should you return, but in the words of the late, great Teddy Pendergrass, “If you don’t know me by now, you will never, never, never know me….ohhhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhhh.”