Dear Portly Provider,

I need your knee. I have a list of needs, well, not needs, but major wants which I want to run by you. I’d like to plop right down on your sturdiest of red velvet covered legs to share this list.

I know there are important things in this world like peace and unity on earth, help for the impoverished, financial stability for those in need, curing of diseases, love, joy, and kindness which matter much more. I’m not even putting that pressure on you though. Jesus has that covered. However, I’m just dropping this little list off for you with hopes that you’ll do the same for me. Get it? As in, you dropping these gifts off under my not-yet-put-up Christmas tree.

Anywho, wanna know what I want? Here it goes:

• An all-expenses paid, fun, long, money flowing, fear-free (I’m not trying to deal with any “we hate America” issues) trip to…