The Breakup: I Have So Much To Say

An al.com article about Alabama’s former first lady Dianne Bentley sparked some recent and old feelings about what to do and what to say after the breakup. Thankfully, many of have not experienced the ultimate breakup granted by the lingering pains and/or effects of divorce. Chile, be glad about it. But I would think that most have experienced a breakup one way or the other whether it be with a mate, with a job or from an organization and have been faced with the question of what to say, how much to say and to whom.

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The article noted so eloquentely how Mrs. Bentley has been just that, eloquent, in this whole sordid process being publicly played out in the press and the privacy of our own homes, memes and phones. What an example of class, poise and trust in God! I needed her as a fresh and real reminder right now to stay the course of silence. For those of you who know me you must know that I love to talk. It’s what I do. So to have a virtual muzzle on my mouth regarding things which are personal, painful, and sometimes public whether I want them to be or not, and not be able to truly and fully speak on it from my point of view offering unshared truths has truly been a lesson learned with some repeated classes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe in the power of wise counsel and know that to carry the weight of any breakup on my back alone would be more detrimental than I could bare. So there are those who know what the real deal is because I can trust them to handle it, stay hushed up, not rile me up into a state of tomfoolery and not hinder the plans God obviously has in place with no need of a running mouth ruining it. However, I recognize through trial and error that:

  • Everyone can’t handle my story of what happened before, during and after the breakup. That means it would be foolish of me to share with the world why what happened has affected my current living options and way of life, or why it took six years for my house to sell, or why I didn’t make the move to divorce first, or whether I knew divorce was coming or not, or why I didn’t allude to others of any problems prior to the divorce, or why I didn’t go back when my former spouse felt he wanted me to, or why I am still friends with some people from our former shared circle, or why some from our former shared circle are no longer friends with me (there is a difference in those two things I just said), or what the divorce decree really said, or what really happened with what was decreed and supposed to be done, or why I won’t entertain or engage negative comments regarding my past or my former spouse, or why my response is usually “Just pray”, and so on and so on and so on.  You may hear it but not from me.
  • Everyone shouldn’t know my story until it’s sealed and wrapped in a pretty little God-blessed bow. I realize that some simply can’t handle the truth. I can barely handle it and it happens to me.  I feel the same as I hear of the hurts which happen to those I love, immediately wanting to “fix it” sometimes not through the best of means and especially because it’s not my bees-wax. To share it out of angst or “I’ll get even”, or prematurely without God’s ultimate desires of healing, restoration (according to His design not our definition) and progress taking place would do His plans, even through a breakup, a total disservice. I need God TOO MUCH to do Him a disservice any more than I already have in my 44 years of life.
  • People are going to believe what they want or need to believe. I see now that some people have to condition themselves to see, believe or accept what they feel they need to in order to keep them in the place of comfort or convenience for where they feel they need to be (and for what reasons). That’s cool. However, to take the position of defense in honor of those things I know to be true because I lived it, and try to explain, vindicate, mitigate or simply be messy does nothing but create more mess. Breakups are a mess with no help needed.

So, whether through divorce, the end of a dating relationship, separation from a job/church/organization or any breach of association, SILENCE, that difficult, unfair, trying, yet necessary stance is the way to go. It really does serve its purpose when it’s allowed to, uninterrupted. #silence

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@AngelaMMoore316

Where Does the Hurt Go? Really, Where Does it Go?

Hurt is like garbage. It stinks! Just like garbage, we all have it! Even more like garbage, if you let it sit around without properly tending to it and taking it out it has the ability to stink up the place and the people that around it

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There are many different ways to get rid of garbage.  We can use garbage bags, recycling bins, trash compactors, garbage disposals, toilets, dumps, composts or even burn it. The same is so with hurt.

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There are many constructive ways to deal with what hurts us. There’s prayer, counseling, therapy, support groups, small groups, scriptures, help from loved ones, support from spiritual leaders, crying, screaming, releasing, reading, exercise, journaling, cooking, singing, testimonies from others, time and maturity, a fresh perspective, gratefulness, even a mediator if more than one person is involved. But like garbage, hurt has to get the heck out of dodge!

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There are also many productive things to do as we to through the process to get over being hurt to make sure we are healed and not hindered in the present or future. We can focus on the future, make a list of the good that came out of what we endured, start a project, grow new healthy associations, turn that hurt into a new passion of support for others, start a positive blog, look for ways and reasons to forgive, use that time to redirect, redecorate or even relocate, write a book, spend time with family and friends that offer healthy support, tend to others that might have been affected by what happened, write a song, start a foundation, purposely strive to see the good in others, look for the humor in it, and so on.

The bottom line is, we all hurt or have been hurt. The levels of hurt, seriousness and severity of it might differ from person-to-person and situation-to-situation, but hurt happens. When it does, where does the hurt go? Really, where does it go? Hurt doesn’t disappear with time or vanish like a vapor on a hot summer’s day. It will stick around and stifle things for as long as we let it. Like stinky garbage, we have to do something with what has hurt us. It’s in our best interest long-term and short-term to do something beneficial with it before damage is done. We can profit from what caused us pain. We can do something with it since it’s already done so much to us. The key is to not get stuck, bitter, hopeless, cynical, fearful, untrusting, stagnant and “stanky” infecting or affecting all those who come near. The ticket is not letting past hurt affect future promises. We’re so much bigger than what hurt us. We deserve so much better than what hurt. It’s not what happened that really matters, but how we handle what happened that counts at the end of the day, and knowing that it needs to be and can be handled once, finally and for all.

th8OIUM3M3

@AngelaMMoore316