Farewell, 44!

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One week from today I turn the BIG 4-5. Woohoo!!!! I’m looking forward to it and all that it has in store, especially with 44 being a year to remember in every way possible.

I don’t know about you, but my idea of 45 based on 45-year-olds I saw growing up was nothing like my life now. Call me childishly misinformed, but based on some examples of the women I saw on TV like Florida from Good Times or Mable from What’s Happening, or like some I observed in different places (none of which were related to me by birth I might add) I would always think of some women 45 and older as tired all of the time, out of touch with modern times, wearing wrinkle at the ankle stockings, going to work, going to church, taking care of home and that’s all, possibly with a cigarette dangling at the end of a trembling lip because hopelessness and “this is as good as it will get” had set in. I remember seeing women with worlds which appeared to be entirely defined by their husband or lack thereof, their children, their job, or their role in the church or not so much on them as a woman.

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I know now that not all women were that way. For that, I am grateful. But I wondered, how do others see me, those younger, growing up and coming up behind me. I hope I share and they know enough about my past to see why I’m so life-set (not dead set) on enjoying my present. I hope they know that parts of my life, at least to me, have been tough as the dickens, but so am I. I hope they’ve seen a pep in my step even when my (far too many) medical issues tried to get the best of me. I hope they don’t see me as trying to dress young or not act my age, but know that I’m going to stay as fashionable and fresh as long as my body and budget allow. I hope they know I work really, really hard and take pride in caring for the ones I love, but I also purposefully plan vacations, girlfriend get-togethers, spa trips, naps, and self-centered escapes whenever possible.

When I turned 40 I felt I was grown. Turning 45 has me feeling like I’m for real, for real grown. With the approach of 45 comes an excitement and simultaneous sense of mystery regarding the future. I’m cool with that as long as I remember that I’ll always be a young as I feel, as wise as I ought to be, as strong as I need to be, as involved as I can be and as ALIVE as I should be. So farewell, 44! It’s been real, but it’s time to take life to the next level!

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@angelamichele316

We Won, Sisters

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She’s been down and out, yet determined to grow up and come up.

She’s been gossiped about and still struts with a mean stride.

She’s been down to a $1 and made her family and her look like a million.

She’s been hurt and even hurt others with her hurt, but got help so she could help others.

She’s been so many versions of herself that even she had to catch her breath to embrace her true self.

She’s been in a nasty, gut-wrenching battle with rejection and disappointment and fought them off through the grace of God.

She’s let her negative mind almost get the most of her, and pulled herself up out of it into a place of perpetual peace.

She’s lived in the past far too long thinking that was as good as it gets, then decided to finally trust the future for even better.

She’s stared fear in the face and almost waved the flag of defeat, but found the strength to tell fear where to go.

She’s been lied to, lied on, and lied about, but still she chooses to love.

She’s used her mind and mouth to pick her own self apart and been put back together again by the gentle hands of her gracious God.

She’s been friended, defriended, and offended, yet still offers forgiveness and welcomes friendship freely.

She’s been so many unfair and unfortunate things she never would have imagined, yet she is still here and therefore she WON.

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She is me. She is you. We are WINNERS. We won, sisters. We WON!

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@AngelaMichele316

I Owe You, Girl

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A funny thing happened to my Hotmail account. It flashed back to 2008 and is permanently stuck there on my phone, totally disregarding all other correspondence from then until now. While deleting several dozen emails representing My Life: Phase 1 I found some old pictures from way back in the 90s.

Let me just say, the Lord has a sense of humor. The few pictures which stuck out most were ones of me at some of my career highs and personal lows in My Life: Phase 1. I looked at them with an equal amount of overwhelming proudness from the woman I saw, as if she wasn’t me. I looked at them also as a reminder of who I really am, what I’m made of, from where I’ve come and Who’s in control. (Not to mention I LOVE the spark of sass I saw even through the grainy-ness of those forgotten photos.)

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To the high heels everyday, blue suit and fierce, precision, layered red hair wearing go-getter, who would get up at 3:30am drive to one part-time job clear across town from her Highway 280 apartment, then burn rubber in her champagne gold Nissan Maxima to her head her full-time news gig at 9am, work until the news demanded no more, and still make time to take time for herself, her friends, a bustling social life, lots of community service, active work in the church and of course, time for family I say, “thank you for reminding me of what’s in me.” I owe you, girl.

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To the naïve, young woman full of hopes and dreams and love and expectations at her engagement party beaming on the stairwell with thoughts of what God desires for her and of her, excitedly posing at the exact place which would ultimately end up being her place of employment after the elaborate engagement party hosted for the wonderful wedding which led to a short-lived marriage ending in divorce (and the desperate need for employment in My Life: Phase 2) I say “thank you for reminding me of what’s in me.” I owe you, girl.

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To the woman who endured the PAINFUL, experimental, super long steroid shots in the eye covered by an itchy, irritating as the dickens patch to keep her eye from popping out, taking 17 pills a day, who gained 50 pounds in one month after a fight with Graves Disease and Thyroid Storm tried to send her home to sweet Jesus, but couldn’t (BOOM!), yet still monitors and deals with it to this day I say, “thank you for reminding me of what’s in me.” I owe you, girl.

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Here’s what I know. Nothing happens without reason. Today, for some reason, as I sat in delightful solitude at home enjoying my peace and quiet God wanted me to take a look back knowing it was what I needed to help propel me forward. I know he knew that not only could I handle those TONS of emails and pictures representing My Life: Phase 1 without a smidgen of anger, sadness or regret, but that I would view them with lots of smiles and giggles. And, because I know He knows His daughter, I know He knew I needed to be reminded, even through a grainy old photo, of how fly I looked nestled up on that television production board like a boss, so that I could prepare to be one in whatever new and blog-worthy ways He desires in My Life: Phase 2. So to those three versions of me in My Life: Phase 1, I say I owe you, girl. Your struggle, sass and sense of survival was not in vain. I hope to make you proud.

@AngelaMMoore316

 

How Low Can You Go?

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2015

2015 is soon coming to a close and I’ll be honest. It’s been a growth-inducing year. In other words, it gave your girl, and many in her close circle a soul-stirring, faith-producing, temper-testing, fear-fighting, anger-squelching, emotional rollercoaster ride, run for her money, or the lack thereof (money) at times. I’m not going to dwell too much on the “only God could carry me through” details of what all 2015 served up because that’s not the point of the post. That’s for later and on a larger platform.

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The point of the post is that, even though not much APPEARS TO HAVE YET changed for the better, for the last two weeks or so, this has been in my spirit, “This is as bad as it will get and AS LOW AS YOU WILL GO.”

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I already know how low I can go! Praise the Lord!

 

 

 

Yep, that’s it, literally and figuratively. No matter what. (Now let that dance around in your spirit like a hip-hop melody.)

@AngelaMMoore316

Who Were You Before Hurt Happened?

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Have you ever wondered who you were before whatever happened happened that hurt you enough to change who you were? A recent conversation with a friend prompted that thought as I saw how this person clawed through the damages of the tragedies of past hurts to try to cling for dear life to the progress she’d made in an effort to hold on to that progress rather than revert back to her natural response from the past. We talked about her fears of facing the person responsible for that pain and how much that one single individual’s presence had alter her life in a way no man or woman deserved. We also talked about how we wondered what must have happened to the person who hurt her to allow that person to be so hurt that transferring hurt was the solution. We talked and talked and talked. I wondered aloud and internally. Who was my friend before this happened? How could she have been had this not happened? And more importantly we talked candidly about who she could STILL be in spite of what happened and because of what happened so she would be in a position to help others.

I don’t know what you’ve been through. I’ve been through a few things in my young age of 43. Just read a few of my blog posts to find out about my unwanted trysts with sickness, death of loved ones, divorce, loss of opportunity, betrayal and all that not-so-good stuff. Sharing that time of talk with my friend made me wonder how much of the sting of those things I’d carried, and for how long, and didn’t even know it was along for the ride of my life shaping me into some simulation of who I once was, but robbing me of the beauty of who I should have been had I not received the bad brunt of its unwelcomed delivery. I wondered if I am carrying any of it remotely still allowing it to alter things like my subtle response to situations, my trust of others, or my apprehension moving forward in circumstances similar to those which might have caught me off guard or got me caught up.

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I pray I’ve been able to successfully heal from the pains of the past, not forgetting them, but certainly no longer feeling them or forcing them on others. My chat with my friend made me more reflective, doing a self-check, to see if my prayer had been answered. I even asked another friend to check me, boo. This person did. I’m glad. I’m no where near perfect but I’m bound to not be bound by my past. Regardless of where we are in life, and what has happened, we all have the God-given ability to be who we were meant to be. It won’t be easy. It won’t be pretty. It won’t be fast, but it will be worth it. So I ask. Who were you before hurt happened, and what are you willing to do to be that person and better? You owe it to yourself and the world awaiting your life as a beautiful testimony.

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@AngelaMMoore316

Who Likes Life in Limbo? I Shole Don’t!

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Shhhhh…don’t tell my Mama, and hope that she’s too busy to read today, but lately, as I’ve posted before, I’ve been feeling like life is in limbo. It seems as if nothing has yet come to pass in some areas I’ve been wanting and waiting to come to pass. Now, the limbo in literal forms can be fun and quite funny, but who likes life in limbo? I shole don’t!

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I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels or has felt that way. Not at all to discount the miraculous blessings of my very recent or far away past, or to be ungrateful for the signs and wonders I see every, single day, because God has been better than good to me, but I’ve been waiting, and waiting, and waiting on some major moves in my personal life, career life, social life, health, wealth, ministry life and just life in general and it seems, that like a too tall person who shimmied up to the pole with festive beats in the background, ready for the challenge, excited about the possibilities, being cheered on by the crowd then forced to bend his/her body down low enough to make it under the pole, and gets stuck, I’m in limbo. It’s like I’m in there fully, but not quite out of there finally. That can be so very uncomfortable, and downright scary, not to mention a wee bit discouraging, especially if one has seen what the other side looks like (and I have) and is wondering why in the world the proverbial dance seems to linger so long this time. I’m glad to have been invited to the party, but I don’t want to just continue to shimmy, bend, wiggle, brace myself, pace myself and scoot little by little. I want to make it on through to be able to bust my victory move on the other side.

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Just as I was continuing to entertain the thought of my dislike of limbo, Facebook did me a favor and reminded me of something I said exactly two years ago. So today, I share with you, my fellow limboers as I remind myself…Your life might not have turned out the way you envisioned, but do know that God’s Vision is better than what you envisioned even on your best day. He’s been handling humans, moving mountains and perfecting promises forever! He’s certainly not going to stop before taking care of you!!!

And with that, I’ll choose to redirect my focus from the dance to the Dance Instructor, knowing that He (as in my GOOD God) knows what He’s doing and never, ever misses a beat.

@AngelaMMoore316

Thanks, Dudes!

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Here’s a growth moment for you…

I was sitting on the phone chatting with a dear friend, something I rarely do, and that friend mentioned a hang out in Atlanta I used to frequent with an “ex-of-old.” Boy, oh boy, did we use to have a ball at this Georgia establishment, especially if it involved him riding off on his motorcycle looking all Larenz Tate-ish from Love Jones with the Fugees blasting from the nearby Saturn, Eclipse or 300ZX. (Notice I said, “him riding”, your girl was a chicken and would follow or meet him there in my champagne gold Maxima.) Bless my heart. Anywho, I digress.

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In remembering those fun days, the sting of whatever separated us was nowhere to be found. The “oh-my-goodness” my world is over (or so I thought) that I probably thought at the end of the association didn’t cross my mind.  The antics I ensued in in my humble form of “revenge” was now reduced to a mere giggle (or gut buster depending on who I was recalling the memory of the immature things I’ve done in the past).  And let me just be real, because that’s what a blog is for after all, I am super sorry for all the get backs I tried to give. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do anything remotely worthy of LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) because remember, I’m a chicken, but I could come up with some mischievousness so quickly it would even shock me. Don’t believe me? Then don’t dare ask my sister about how I messed up her first acrylic nail appointment with my 20-something tomfoolery. And don’t dare talk to my old friend who was like a brother in and shortly after college or my bestie since kindergarten. LOL!!!! (Bless my heart and my quick thinking mind.) 

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I racked my brain following that conversation about that Atlanta hot spot. I starting scanning my “relationship” file and realized that flaws and all on both sides of the coin, circa the late 90s, I was blessed to closely know and grow from some really cool dudes who have all grown into some really great husbands, fathers, businessmen, leaders and the likes. Some I would even comfortably call my friend with no ungodly thoughts attached one way or the other. Whodathunkit?!?!?

I realized that, while none of my past relationships of long ago were forever (thankfully) they all left me with some great memories, needed growth and some pretty swell guys who are etched in my life’s story, forever, whether they knew it or not. What they didn’t leave me with are any scars, damage, regret or remorse which we often believe we must carry through life like some badge or “been there, done that” honor. That’s a blessing and the beauty of choosing to grow. God will grant us the ability to see and settle on the good in others because that’s exactly what He does for us. The good is all I see, because at one point they were good enough for me. (And I think I’m pretty grand, which means they must be too.) So thanks, dudes. I would shout you out or tag you by name, but that wouldn’t be wise. You know who you are.

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@AngelaMMoore316

 

Life Is a Celebration

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I hear often people say things like, “You’re always doing something”, or “You have so much fun”, or “Do you ever slow down”. My answers are often, “Yes. Yes. And Nope.” Unapologetically, I will turn any appropriate event into a party, celebration, event, shindig, soiree’ or picture-taking, memory-making occasion. There are reasons for why I do what I do that’s probably explained in a blog post or two. By no means has my life been perfect, easy, fair, or fun all the time, but the general gist of things is that life, in my eyes, is a celebration and there’s no need for me to be here and not enjoy it to the fullest. Life is a celebration and we all received an invitation.

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So yes, I will make a trip to Wal-Mart look and feel like an upscale shopping spree in West Palm Beach’s CityPlace. No, I don’t mind stretching $8 to make it look like an $80 experience. Yes, I welcome the mundane Sunday afternoon turned into a full-fledged picnic in the drive way with the latest music blasting from an I-phone. Absolutely, I appreciate the free Happy Hours, discount buffets, Ladies’ Nights at the restaurant where my girls and I are treated like Norm from Cheers (everybody knows our names) and gift-card inspired opportunities. By all means, I relish the fun family times (even times where we’ve turned hospital waiting rooms into a barbecue ribs party as we ate, prayed and shared a bit of sunshine with other families in need of a miracle). I invite the impromptu football viewing parties, the mid-day laughfest with friends over a salad and cake, the quick road trips up 65-South or Interstate-20, or anything else I’m able to do because, while I may not (YET) be able to to all I want to do I’m surely grateful to God for being able to do what I do.

Why? Because life has taught me not to take it for granted. I’ve accepted that it would be so much easier to sulk and whimper, pout and point the finger. I could very liberally live in regret or comparison, disappointment or antsy-ness regarding things of old or things of new, but instead I prefer to look at the bright side, and surround myself with people who can remind me of the bright side when my view gets a bit hazy.

This life is all we have, people. It really truly is our best shot at Heaven on Earth until we actually make it to the grand finale in the sky. With that in mind, I sincerely believe it’s better to just buckle up, trust the Tour Guide, be determined to make memorable, gather up some cool kids to enjoy the ride with you and do that…enjoy the ride.

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@AngelaMMoore316

Girl, Somebody Lied to You!

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Washing my hands in the restroom at work, gazing in the hazy mirror at my newly cut bangs (from a less than new sew-in) the words, “Girl, somebody lied to you” crossed my mind. I was shocked initially, almost wondering where this inner, loud whisper derived. As women, too many times than not, we have listened to lies from others about ourselves, lives from ourselves regarding others and even from ourselves regarding ourselves. Before you hop on an “all men are dogs” channel that I simply do not and will not ever subscribe to do know that I’m not referring to the “player, cheater or not quite mature enough to handle the responsibilities of a relationship” kind of man we might have knowingly entertained or naively encountered. I’m talking about the bold face lies society, unwise influencers, and our own misguided hopes and dreams might have told us. (BTW…is a bold face lie different from a scared face lie? #ija) I digress.

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I started thinking of a list of a lot of lies we, as incomparably beautiful, God-created, life-giving, purpose-overflowing, love-filled, spiritually gifted women, need to know longer believe about us if we’re going to be the fabulous, fabulous women we were all created to be. I’m not listing lies, as I prefer truth. So below I offer you a sampling of seeing yourself from a different point of view.

  1. A man or marriage won’t make you happy. (Ask a bunch of other married, dating and no longer married women how we know. Happiness is an exclusive right. No help is needed. I promise this one is true so if you were clinging to it like a newborn to its milk machine please let it go.)
  2. Marriage won’t cure your ills. (If struggling with financial mismanagement, loneliness, fornication, low self-esteem or any other issues before marriage, and not taking steps to be healed from it, an “I Do” doesn’t take it away. It just shifts it into another gear.)
  3. You really don’t need makeup. (I “heart” make up. I really, really do, but I know that it is strictly an enhancement to all the goodness, flaws and all, about us which already exist, but it is not a necessity. We’re fine with or without it. Literally, and figuratively.)
  4. Your voice is important. (Often as women we feel our voice, opinion, thoughts, ideas or histories aren’t embraced so they must not be important. They are and must be heard. Ya heard?)
  5. Women can be friends. (Forget the Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday night reality show and social media fighting. Women are social creatures by Godly design. More importantly, we’re communicators, which means we are equipped to get along, stay together, talk it out, establish trust and enjoy the love, support and influence of other women meant to walk this amazing journey called life with us.)
  6. Your hips are hot. (Don’t be fooled. Those areas in which you carry as a testament to your DNA, your life’s struggles, your overcome medical obstacles…childbirth included, or whatever is behind the story of your behind and its less than perfect body buddies is beautiful. As is. No pun intended.)
  7. Being spiritual, smart, sincere and sophisticated is haute. (It is absolutely popular and eternally trending to have a relationship with God and show it, speak properly, use correct spelling and grammar in formal and less than formal writings, be kind, be generous, showcase your knowledge in all types of settings, pursue higher education, be classy, carry poise, and take the lead as lead in areas of which you know you are gifted.)
  8. Your spiritual Father has the first and final say-so. (For those who have bore the pain of the lack of presence from an earthly father or a proper one, do know that your real Daddy is the MAN! He loves you, won’t leave you, is trustworthy, will show up when He promised, won’t forget a birthday, has you on His mind all the time and loves you. Yes, I said He loves you twice just so it can settle in.)
  9. Pouty mouths, duck lips, and frowny faces can’t compete with a smile. (I don’t know who hijacked the smile, but I demand a swift return. Ladies, nothing says “confident, sexy, approachable, mature, friendly, or comfortable in the skin I’m in” like a good, old-fashion smile. Try it. Often. Please.)
  10. Gaining a new job, new house, new body, new man, new car, new degree, and/or new circle of influence is a blessing, but it won’t build you… and guess what, should you lose one, any or all of it, it won’t break you either. (Ask me how I know.)

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@AngelaMMoore316